Mother’s Day list


Alright mommies, our day approach-eth! And because I’ve finally wised up to the fact that my family, though attractive and talented, are not mind readers, I’ve again prepared a “To-Do” list to help them orchestrate the perfect Mother’s Day. No more disappointment when they forget it’s my day, no more bad-mouthing my husband because he didn’t clean the dishes and no more wondering why I had children in the first place when they fight and whine on this most precious of Sundays. I’m taking control!

1. Deliver breakfast in bed. The menu should include a tall latte from Starbucks, a sausage biscuit from McDonald’s, a small side of fresh pineapple and perhaps a Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie. I would like to be served at approximately 9 a.m., depending on whether or not I am awake at that hour. The flush of the toilet shall be your cue.
2. Assume the role of domestic servants. I expect to come down and enjoy, throughout the day, a clean kitchen, a picked-up family room and fresh-smelling lavatories. I don’t want to see soccer cleats or Barbie’s posse on the stairs, nor do I want to receive any requests for laundry, meal prep or homework assistance. Uniforms are optional.
3. Be nice to each other. Nothing ruins a peaceful mood more quickly than a smack down among siblings. Take your fights outside (unless I am outside, in which case you should go to a neighbor’s before resuming your rumble). Pretend that you love each other.
4. Compliment me. Gorgeous is not too strong a word.
5. Take me out for a simple dinner and don’t throw a tizzy if they’ve eighty-sixed the chicken fingers. This isn’t about you! And please select a restaurant with a liquor license.

Sure, detailing beforehand how you will spend each hour on Mother’s Day isn’t the most “romantic” way for life to go down, but let’s face it, this is a heck of a lot safer for everyone. I know my expectations will be met, and they know they won’t be in hot water come Monday. Planning the day yourself also takes the guesswork and pressure off your husband. Men just don’t get it, and now they won’t have to. So think about what would make you happiest, and go for it. If you want a bouquet of lilies, ask for them. If you prefer to spend the entire afternoon without kids, organize a sitter. And if you want to wallow in butter-smothered popcorn gazing at dreamy Zac Efron, then Fandango some tickets today. Make Mother’s Day about you for once by doing what you do best­ – controlling everything and everyone around you! Peace out.