Opinion: Don’t ask me, ask Siri

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I’m doing Kegels right now. I’m supposed to do 50 per day.When my doctor suggested I do them following a medical procedure, I was not familiar with these particular exercises. My wife knew what they were. My sister knew, too. Heidi, my proofreader, was surprised to learn that men can do them. And I’m surprised…that this newspaper published this column. 

I hesitated to write about doing Kegels after Mary Ellen and I discussed that I might have to include some private parts of my life (I think this is where I’m supposed say, “No pun intended”).

Kegels are a type of pelvic-floor exercise. If you are a guy and are clueless about them, as I was, please look it up. I would explain exactly how to do them in this column, but I was even embarrassed when the doctor gave me the instructions in his office (I’ll wait while you ask Siri. Otherwise, the rest of this column will make no sense). By the way, Siri will definitely know what Kegels are. All women do.

While we’re watching a TV show or going somewhere in the car, Mary Ellen asks, “Are you doing your exercises?” I always say “yes.”  It’s so easy to lie about this, compared to when I say things like, “Yes, dear, I know it looks like I’m napping but I’m really on the treadmill.”

This daily regimen is simpler than the exercises required after my knee surgery. During those physical therapy sessions, I would be groaning in pain, twisting my leg into places it didn’t want to go. But you wouldn’t know I was doing a Kegel exercise, although  the other night at dinner Mary Ellen asked, “You’re doing your exercises right now, in the middle of our conversation, aren’t you?” 

“Why, am I breathing heavily?”

“No, but your voice went up two octaves.”

This morning, I told Mary Ellen I had already exceeded the required number for the day. She gave me a big hug as I walked out the door and said, “Good for you. You are the King of Kegels.”

“I am the King,” I said, “and right now my pelvis is leaving the building.”

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