Opinion: But seriously, folks


Most of what I write about is admittedly an exaggeration. If I said my wife left to go shopping and came back two days later, that is an obvious embellishment. If my wife were really gone for two days, I would, of course, have called the police.

 Here’s what I am concerned about. Because I am always trying to be funny, I’m afraid the cops wouldn’t take me seriously: “Hi. This is Dick Wolfsie. My wife left on Thursday to buy clothes, and I haven’t seen her in two days.”

 “Yes, Mr. Wolfsie, a very amusing premise. We here at Missing Persons are aware of the use of hyperbole to create a humorous effect. By the way, we suggest three days. Those with an ear for comedy know that a wife missing for two days just isn’t catchy enough. You need the number three. Three is a funny number.”

 “I’m not trying to be funny, officer. I believe my friend Alan ran away with my wife.”

 “I know where you’re going with this, Dick. Now you are going to say, ‘And I really miss him?’ Sorry, but that’s a bit predictable. But the comic reversal here has potential. Just needs a little tweaking. “

 “Look, I am not writing a humor column. My wife is gone. When she left the house two days ago, I saw her getting in Alan’s Honda.”

 “What a waste of potential amusement, Dick. Try saying a Buick or a Pontiac. Good use of the K sound is what you’re after here. By the way, scrap the name Alan. No one can form a clear mental picture of what someone named Alan would look like. You need a Bubba or a Reginald. Think visually, for heaven’s sake.”

“Look, for the absolute last time, I am not writing a humor column. I am not trying to be amusing. My wife has run away with my best friend. His name is Alan, not Bubba. I do not miss him. I miss her. I saw them leave together in a Honda. Now, maybe I’m being overly suspicious, but doesn’t that seem a little funny to you?”

“No, Dick, not the way you tell it.”