Opinion: Not so macho

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I had a chainsaw at our old house but found it to be very inefficient. I took it back to the dealer and told him it took me hours to cut down one little limb.

“Let me give it a try,” said the clerk, who then pulled the cord.

Varoom!

“Geez, what’s that noise?” I asked. “It never did that before.”

“Look, Mr. Wolfsie, I once saw you walk into a plate-glass window on your morning TV segment. You are not someone who should mess with power tools.”

I’m actually very good with power tools. I have never once had a problem starting my lawn mower. I did have one accident, though. I almost broke my nose when I tripped over the extension cord to my weeed wacker.

The chainsaw had been untouched in our old garage for about 25 years, which is also true of Step 4 of the Scott’s lawn fertilizer, because by the end of fall, I really don’t care what my lawn looks like.

During last year’s storms, a fairly good-sized tree had blown down and grazed the side of the house. My wife immediately panicked.

“Relax,” I told her. “We’re OK.”

“No, we’re in danger! This means you’re going to use that chainsaw.”

The next day, I dug through the garage and found it. I wondered, ‘How am I supposed to start this thing?’ There was one doo-dad labeled “choke,” and I did. There was a little plastic bubble that I vaguely remembered I had to push several times. I pulled the cord once … twice … 30 times. Suddenly, the motor began to hum. But the chain didn’t turn.

I found a nearby repair shop and drove over. An elderly gentleman asked if he could assist me. He picked up the saw, pushed a button and said: “The safety was on.”

I didn’t bat an eye.

“Thanks! What do I owe you?” I asked the man, who now looked vaguely familiar.

“Forget it,” he offered.

Then, as I started to leave, he added: “Be careful, Mr. Wolfsie. You’re about to walk into another plate-glass window.”

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