Like most guys, when I walk past a magazine rack, I can’t help but stare. Last month, I saw one cover that made me drool. There she was: Perfectly proportioned, with golden skin and a great pair of legs — the best-looking turkey I had ever seen.
It was Whole Foods’ 2018 Thanksgiving publication. Inside the front cover is an introductory letter from … I don’t know who it’s from. It’s not signed but there are two hashtags at the bottom. One says #Thanksgiving and the other is #MakesMeWhole. I accessed both Twitter locations, where there were lots of holiday recipes but none for turkey hash, which seems like a wasted pun opportunity.
The editor’s letter says the “Whole Foods company wants to make your feast the greatest ever, which is why we have mounds of potatoes … and more types of mushrooms than you can count.” Even after a couple of glasses of merlot, I can still count to seven.
The description of the Whole Foods turkey includes: “bronzed, glistening show piece,” which piqued my interest. They went on to say the bird was “dry brined and organic,” which made me lose my appetite. They also claim their turkeys were “raised the right way,” which is more than you can say about the next-door neighbor’s children. Your own kids are perfect, of course.
The Whole Foods folks tell you to “expect applause” when the meal reaches the table. But they are selling the turkey fully cooked with all the sides already prepared, so what are your guests applauding — an accident-free trip to the store? Your awesome defrosting and reheating?
Then comes the real stunner. Whole Food says, “Or maybe there is no turkey, at all. Maybe the turkey is a stunning Romanesco cauliflower roast.” Well, so much for the applause.
After listing their gluten-free, Paleo and keto options, they say, “You’re doing it right, however you Thanksgiving.” You can make cauliflower the main course to please the vegetarians, but when you make “Thanksgiving” a verb, you’ve displeased the grammarians.
By the way, last year’s magazine had a special tip for carnivores: Throw leftover legs and wings into the food processor with some stuffing. Doesn’t a dark meat smoothie sound delish?