Opinion: Blueprint for a bloodless summer

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Doo and I are preparing to hold our annual family meeting to hammer out the details for a homicide-free summer. Our four children will, of course, be invited to share their thoughts, but that’s more a formality than an actual request for input. We anticipate a major throwdown over Xbox. Our boys will undoubtedly argue that they should be able to waste weeks at a time sniping virtual zombies, while we feel it might lead to serial killer status. Decision? Two hours, max, a day. Buck up, kids!

Also coming soon, the reinstatement of the “I’m Bored” jar, a repository for the monetary fines handed out to anyone muttering any derivative of the word “boring.” Proceeds will go to an end-of-summer Dairy Queen bonanza, and to prevent a “Bud Light Jar” phenomenon, the perp will be assigned some degrading task, like scrubbing the basement toilet with her toothbrush. Don’t mess with Mom!

And once again, to further enhance this summer’s salt-mine experience, “Amish Day” will occur weekly. It was proposed unwittingly seven years ago by our then 10-year old son who, at the aforementioned decision to limit electronic interaction, cried, “I’m not going all Amish!” Should have kept your mouth shut, Andrew, for you will indeed go Amish. No video games, computers, television, or phones for one whole day. They must use their imaginations and find old-fashioned forms of amusement. It may not work, but their discomfort should prove highly entertaining. Mwah-ha-ha!

We’re keeping our fingers crossed that our careful planning will result in a blissful summer vacation with minimum shanking. If not, at least I’ll have some solid article material!

Peace out.

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