Opinion: Udderly extraordinary products

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I received an email today with the subject: WHAT WOMEN WANT. I’m a sucker for anything that might make me a better husband. According to the ad, they want Dr. Hess Udder Ointment, a concoction created more than 100 years ago that makes your hands smooth and feet callus-free. I thought being sensitive, considerate and romantic was the key. This is how little I knew about the opposite sex.

With a name like Udder Ointment, it should either be something you spread over that specific part of the bovine anatomy, or it should come from the cow’s udder. Vegetable oil comes from vegetables and baby oil is for babies. On the other hand, there’s Lucas Oil and Olive Oyl. I could make fun of both of those names, but I like my seats on the 40-yard line and I’d never antagonize a woman whose boyfriend has huge forearms.

Dr. Hess introduced his original product to farmers who lamented that their cows’ udders were extremely raw and chapped. How unsightly! Something needed to be done.

The farmers applied this emollient cream to the cows’ semi-privates. Soon, it was discovered that those doing the milking also benefited. Just what a guy needs when he’s tilling his 300 acres of corn: softened hands. Plus, after a session in the barn milking Elsie and shoveling manure, farmers found that their silky touch made their wives eager for romance. Dr. Hess was to become a very rich man. And a godfather several times over.

The Dr. Hess enterprise later developed a lip balm called the Udder Stick. Can you think of a product whose name better says, “Spread that on my kisser?” It’s marketing genius.

The company Dr. Hess founded in 1898 has changed hands through the years. Those hands were always soft and delicate, but a few of them got caught in the cookie jar, so now ownership is back in the family, with the founder’s great-granddaughter.

I’m working on a new toothpaste for guys and am thinking of calling it Pig Paste. What a refreshing way to start a morning! And, after all, isn’t that what men want?

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