No one wants to see you naked

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Memo from: Mike

To: Various celebrities

Subject: Sex tapes

Dear celebrities who somehow believe you make our lives worth living even though most of you have no discernible talent, I have a request.

Would you please stop making sex tapes? We’d all be grateful. And by “we” I mean every single American who fires up his computer, opens a newspaper or leafs through a magazine only to find that another of you has been stupid enough to record for posterity your expertise in doing the horizontal mambo.

You would think that people in your line of work, whatever that is, would have this figured out by now: There is no such thing as privacy anymore. You do something dumb and there is a 100 percent chance it is going to be out of your control in a matter of days. Once that happens, it will be on the web in a matter of minutes. Once there, it is going to be around the world in seconds.

I realize that being a celebrity involves a certain amount of attention-seeking. No, strike that. It is 100 percent attention-seeking. Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, if indeed you can think, that people like me are just awful prudes. To which I say, maybe. Then again, maybe not. Personally, I believe that sex is a lot of things, most of them ranging from good to spectacular, and I intend to try it again one of these days very soon.

No, I could care less who you are sparking with or how. What I am tired of is the inevitable Drama (capital D) that comes in the wake of a released personal video.

First comes the breathless announcement from some sleazily reliable source that such a video exists, along with links to make sure everyone goes to the right sleazily reliable website to see for themselves. This is followed by a hailstorm of condemnation that can only come after something has been viewed several million times. After that comes the celebrity statement, which can go one of two ways: defiantly playing the victim because something very personal and private has been leaked to the universe, or tearfully playing the victim because something very personal and private has been leaked to the universe.

Then the dust settles, we wait a week and it happens again with a different celebrity.

And it’s all very tiresome. So stop. Just stop. The world has real problems and you’re just cluttering it up. Not to mention, eeuuww.

Thank you.


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