Parenting as celestial payback


You know what I find annoying? The way people without children criticize parents. As if they even have a clue about what they are saying! But you know what I find hilarious? The way those same people always end up being the craziest parents around.

Take one of my good friends. She’d frequently make snide comments about my parenting:  “You spoil your kids;” “You need to relax more;” “You shouldn’t be freaking out over daycare.” Most of the time it was all in good fun, but occasionally she’d touch a nerve. And let’s be honest, no mother wants to be told (even if it’s true) that she’s not doing a good enough job. Until you’ve been in the trenches yourself, keep your mouth shut!

Well folks, my friend had her first baby a few months ago, and after having spent a few days with her new little family, I am thrilled to report that she did not escape celestial payback for her pre-pregnancy words. She has become the classic first-time mom, complete with anal-retentiveness out the wazoo, hyperchondriacal tendencies that result in absolutely no one being able to touch her daughter without CDC biohazard clearance, and a child who has no self-soothing abilities whatsoever because she is never allowed to cry. Love it!

Seriously, I can’t tell you how much pleasure I take in watching her do the exact same things she used to criticize me for, and consequently, suffer a tiny bit because of it. She and her husband still can’t figure out how their DINK lifestyle slipped out the back door without so much as a good-bye. Ooh, I know! They spend an inordinate amount of time in the bottle preparation department (short of an actual autoclave, I’m not sure they could get those things any more sterile), hold the baby 24-7, and rely too heavily on the internet and lunatic bloggers for their decision-making. Basically, she does the same idiotic, controlling things Doo and I did when we had our first.

I love my friend, and she is truly a fantastic mom. But thank you, Karma/Fate/Mother Nature/Whoever for making my year! She finally understands how difficult parenting is, and how important receiving love and support from everyone, even those without children, is to surviving the adventure that is motherhood. So to those of you not yet calling yourselves a mommy or daddy, be careful what you say. What goes around comes around, and this time, it’ll involve diaper rash and lactation consultants. Peace out.

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