Commentary by Dick Wolfsie

My wife found an old British TV show online, where a woman advocated applying pet training principals to change a husband’s behavior. Husbands are already a lot like cats. They’re in their own world, take lots of naps, and are always on the wrong side of the door. The big difference is that cats don’t like a dirty litter box, but if you don’t clean a man’s bathroom, he’ll still use it for close to a decade.

Mary Ellen has been trying out a few of the canine techniques, but I told her I wasn’t going to take it lying down. That was kind of stupid of me, since I had just rolled over and played dead so I could have another beer. After dinner, when she asked if I wanted to take a walk, I started wiggling my backside.

“You’re not taking this seriously, Dick. I am simply applying basic behavioral techniques to our relationship, and you are making a mockery of it.”

“You don’t think it’s funny when I get out of the shower and shake instead of towel off?”

“Yes, that’s cute, but driving with your head sticking out the window is dangerous. And when you come home from work, please just use your key. Your scratching at the front door is driving me crazy.”

There are advantages and downsides to this experiment. I get lots of backrubs and I am allowed to “go out” as often as I want, but that electric collar is really annoying. The spay/neuter brochure Mary Ellen picked up at the vet put me a little on edge. She told me that while I was out running errands, I should stop by the pet store and get a bath. Heidi, my editor, thought those last three examples weren’t funny because they were too far-fetched. Far-fetched?  Why didn’t I think of that line?

I thought Mary Ellen had given up on this crazy idea, so last weekend I took her out for a very romantic dinner. When we got home she told me to get off the bed.