Opinion: Keeping my chins up

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Surveys show that most people hate at least one part of their body. I’m not happy with my ears, for example. I think they stick out more than they should. My wife says I’m crazy and to be that obsessed with my own looks makes me appear elfish. I’m hoping she meant selfish.

While looking in the mirror over the weekend, I saw a chin I had not noticed before. I was happy with the two I already had. Fortunately, that morning I saw something advertised on TV that gave me hope. Called The Miracle Neck Slimmer, it’s a device they claim was created by a world-renowned physiotherapist. I was all ears.

The manufacturer guarantees a 68 percent reduction in neck wrinkles. I have achieved similar results by slinging my head back and always looking straight up at the ceiling. The results are temporary, of course, and I have slammed into several doors, but it does work. Well, I think it works. It’s hard to look in the mirror in that position.

The Miracle Neck Slimmer looks like one of those slap-and-chop thingies you pound with the palm of your hand to pulverize a Vidalia onion. You place the apparatus under your chin, then bob your head up and down like common poultry. Springs in the device create tension. It’s like your neck and chin are getting a good workout on a tiny StairMaster. You can see why I was hooked.

A DVD gives you directions on how to properly jog your skull to-and-fro, like you were auditioning to be a bobblehead. They also throw in an accelerator cream. It’s an anti-aging concoction, but it could be a stimulant to make your head go faster.

They offer you a free second Miracle Neck Slimmer, saying it would be an excellent gift to give your spouse. Gee, what could go wrong there? “Mary Ellen, you know those luscious little neck wrinkles you have? Well, for just $19.95 plus shipping and handling…”

That would make it easier for me to see my extra chins because I’d have my head handed to me.


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