The 2020s have begun. I know I’m supposed to make New Year’s resolutions to better myself, but I never do. I’m just not very good at self-improvement. There are plenty of other people out there who could resolve to make Dick Wolfsie’s life simpler and less stressful. For example:
- Everyone who will ever be in front of me in line at Dunkin’ Donuts should resolve not to spend three minutes deciding whether they want the 13th doughnut to be chocolate creme or glazed blueberry. In 1979, I picked my future wife out of a crowd at a party in 90 seconds. Choosing a pastry should be quicker.
- My wife must resolve to quit bugging me about wearing my hearing aids. She nagged me for years to buy the darn things. She claims there’s no point in having them if I don’t put them in my ears, like I had never heard that before.
- Cashiers should resolve to not look at my full name on my credit card and call me Rich. My name is Dick. My mother called me Richard only when she was really annoyed with me. Our accountant once called me rich after grabbing someone else’s tax return by mistake.
- My friends need to resolve not to make fun of me for still having an AOL account. I know you Gmailers and Ameritech people think you are really hip. So, knock off the kidding or I’ll throw my flip phone at you.
- Scammers should resolve to not send me emails saying I have won a $100 gift card to Amazon or Walmart. I have not won a gift card. I have “won” the opportunity to answer 100 questions, and then maybe I have a chance to have a chance to win a $100 card if I sign up for periodic chimney sweeping or duct cleaning.
- Publishing companies must resolve to not send me renewal notices when I still have two years left on my subscription. I don’t keep track of this stuff, so I am now getting four copies of Time magazine every week. The good news is I’m paid up until 2050.
- Fast-food places must resolve not to give me the senior discount unless I specifically ask for it. When the cashier sees my gray hair and wrinkles, I get 10 percent off. But then I go to Kroger for beer and I have to show my license, in case I’m a really mature-looking teenager. The Curious Case of Dick Wolfsie.
I have some more resolutions on my list, but first I want you to resolve never to call me grumpy. Happy 2020 to all!