Commentary by Dick Wolfsie
My wife told me the other day that my New Year’s resolution for 2016 should be to stop being so negative and grouchy. But my humor columns are dependent on those very qualities. I’ve made a career out of people mistaking my crankiness for wittiness.
I once protested to a couple of Girl Scouts that their cookies were too high in fat and that eating S’mores would shoot my lipids through the roof. Their mothers called and thanked me, saying this was a good health lesson for nine-year-olds. They must not have known I bought six boxes.
I complained about my neighbors’ unkempt lawns and their putting garbage out at the curb two days before trash pick-up. I whined about kids making a ruckus shooting hoops in their driveways on Sunday mornings. Instead of being annoyed, they made me president of the homeowners association.
I’m optimistic about 2016. I’ve already put together my top 10 list of stuff that makes me grumpy.
I don’t want the clerk to keep asking me if I have a Speedy Rewards Card. I don’t.
I don’t want to buy something in a bag that says tear here. It doesn’t.
I don’t want tech guys telling me it’s as easy as plugging it in. It’s not.
I don’t my wife telling me I can learn to load the dishwasher correctly. I can’t.
I don’t want people asking me if I’m the guy who does the weather. I’m not.
I don’t want people asking me if my dog, Barney, is still alive. He’s not.
I don’t want telemarketers calling to ask if I would like to try a generic Lipitor made overseas. I wouldn’t.
I don’t want my wife asking me when I’m driving if I know where I’m going. I don’t.
And finally, number 10, just to show you that I don’t end everything on a negative note…
I don’t want someone on the phone asking if I mind holding. I DO!