Opinion: Living the fantasy nightmare

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Well, I’ve gone and jinxed myself. Heading in to Week 5 of the fantasy football season, I am a horrifying oh-and-four. That’s zero wins, people. After publicly bragging about how my dance-mom superpowers would transfer perfectly to the make-believe world of starting, benching and trading professional football players, not one of my thoughtful and well-researched decisions has panned out, and I remain the only team in a league of 10 without a W.

In all fairness to me, injuries have plagued my motley crew. As our commissioner put it, I was running a MASH unit for the first month. Most of my stars are back, thank the Lord, but now luck has decided to abandon me. To wit, though, I racked up the second-highest point total last week. I just happened to play the team that scored the most. Come on, man! Can’t a gal catch a break?

Apparently not, and that’s the worst part. I feel like I’m letting down womankind, or at least those ladies who care about sports. As the lone female owner, I’d had dreams of showing the boys “how it was done,” that it didn’t matter that I’m a girl who’s never played a game of football in her life, that really all you need to succeed is a mother’s intuition and internet access. But that dream appears to be circling the urinal, so to speak.

There is still plenty of time for me to recover, but I’ll be honest, I’m worried about my prospects for domination. Therefore I humbly apologize for my earlier smack-talk. This fantasy stuff is hard! There. Am I unjinxed?

Peace out.

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