Opinion: Udder nonsense

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As I mentioned last week, my wife and I are trying to learn a little Spanish in preparation for our trip to South America. When I searched for translation options online, I found: “Cow to English” on the site Lingojam. I’m not kidding. That’s news—no, moos—we can use.

Many cattle expressions have beefed up our language: “Being put out to pasture;” “milking something for all its worth;” “cash cow;” “’til the cows come home;” “holy cow!;” “a bunch of bull;” “cowlick;” And my favorite, “power steering.”

There is an inexplicable compulsion shared by everyone who drives past cows grazing in pastures. The urban dictionary coined the term “Bovilexia” for the urge to open the car window and yell, “Moo!”

Cows have a lot of time to contemplate—more so than dogs, who usually have family obligations. What do cows think about? I’d give a Big Mac to know.

Humans get into serious trouble when we have too much time to think. Pablo Picasso was happy painting bowls of fruit on a table for years. Then, one week he got ahead of schedule and had some extra time to just ruminate. We all know what happened after that.

What would cows say to us if they could speak? Here are a few things I believe cows are trying to say:

MOO: I hate that “Got Milk?” commercial. Let’s clear this up right now: I got the milk. You’ve been stealing the milk.

MOO  MOO: What’s all this talk about cow tipping? Twenty years of providing milk, and I’ve never seen a penny.

MOOoooo: You think it’s easy being a cow? You try chewing the same thing for 20 years.

MMMMOOOO: Tell those Chick-fil-A people that we appreciate their push for poultry, but, please, we’re cows, and even we can spell better.

That’s it for this week. I admit this is a really strange column, but don’t be mad at me if you considered it a waste of time. Seriously, don’t have a cow.

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