Negotiations continue regarding the upcoming presidential debates. Each candidate has certain preferences.
My wife Mary Ellen and I were married the same year Ronald Reagan debated Jimmy Carter. Motivated by that exchange, we established our own instructions should we ever disagree in our relationship. Which happens much more than once every four years.
Here are our guidelines and a note on who benefits from each rule:
NO RISERS OR PLATFORMS
My wife towers over me in high heels, giving her an unfair psychological advantage when we argue. I’d rather debate Marco Rubio than Mary Ellen, unless he is wearing high-heeled boots.
Advantage: Wife
NO QUESTIONS TO SPOUSE EXCEPT RHETORICAL ONES
“Is that any way to load a dishwasher?”
“Is that what you call a pot roast?”
Advantage: Draw
NO PROPS OR CHARTS
It would be much more effective if I could wave a few Kohl’s bills in front of Mary Ellen’s face while I complain that she is not keeping to our budget. On the other hand, if my wife ever finds those dry-cleaning receipts for my T-shirts, I’m in trouble.
Advantage: Draw
AN OBJECTIVE MODERATOR
We have been using my friend, Bob. He likes it when I use his name in my column. But I think Bob likes Mary Ellen more than he likes me. Same with his wife, Cathy.
Advantage: Wife
EQUAL MAKEUP ARRANGEMENTS
Mary Ellen has a dozen lipsticks, four mascaras, three eyebrow pencils and moisturizers for every season. I have one bottle of Just for Men. I can’t out-debate someone with that much facial ammunition.
Advantage: Wife
NO BEHIND-THE-BACK CONFRONTATION
Mary Ellen is upstairs complaining that I left the fridge open, but I’m grousing about how she parked on my side of the garage. Neither of us can follow the other person around the house to make the other uncomfortable. Trump did that to Hillary eight years ago and won the election, but I doubt this method will work for me.
Advantage: Wife
THE STUDIO AUDIENCE MAY NOT APPLAUD
How are you supposed to know how you’re doing in an argument if there aren’t lots of people cheering or booing? I need immediate feedback. After the Trump-Biden debate four years ago, they probably both asked their wives who they thought won. That way of measuring success would clearly not work for me.
Advantage: Wife
MUTED MICROPHONES
We have nothing to mute except ourselves. I finally agreed to this compromise: If Mary Ellen is talking, I may not interrupt her. And when I am listening to her, she can speak for as long as she likes. Yes, I actually agreed to that.
Advantage: Wife
THE DEBATE BEGINS AND ENDS WITH A HANDSHAKE
Mary Ellen and I have never started a disagreement with a handshake. And we never ended with one. A hug works best. There will be very little hugging between Trump and Harris. Or handshakes.
Advantage: Draw
