“It’s time again to celebrate that most beloved and versatile fall fruit –the pumpkin.” That’s a sign posted at the Dunkin’ Donuts shop near me. There are similar signs at Trader Joe’s and Starbucks. Every aisle has something Halloweeny or pumpkiny, which are not words, except in September and October. Christmassy pops up in November and December. Thankgivingly never made it. And Easterly only comes up when you are traveling from California to New York.

Now, I’m not a big pumpkin fan. I don’t even like small pumpkins. But here are just a few of the current seasonal options I now see at the stores noted above. You can stop reading the list anytime. You’ll get the point.

Pumpkin pie mix; Pumpkin-flavored Cinnamon Bagels; Pumpkin Greek Nonfat Yogurt; Pumpkin Cream Cheese Spread; Organic Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew; Pumpkin Spice Latte Starbucks; Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin; Pumpkin Scones; Pumpkin loaf; and Pumpkin Spice Signature Latte, to name a few.

Now, let’s wander over to Trader Joe’s. But first, pick up a copy of its in-store publication, Fearless Flyer.

In its promotion for Sugar Bee Apples, the writer writes, “We take excellent products and cross-pollinate them with fair prices.” I can’t imagine how they did that. But I once saw a Rottweiler/Chihuahua mix.
Caramelized Onion Goat Log: We discover that this dish “creates a synergistic symphony on the palate.” Well, I’ll pass. I don’t want my tongue making any more noise. I’m already bad enough with soup.
Pumpkin Spice Latte: “This Latte elevates PSL to another level.” I recently got some blood tests back from the lab. I thought they said my PSL was already too high.
Pumpkin Butter: “It does not actually contain butter,” the Flyer reveals, “but its great flavor is credited to its fruit-to-sugar ratio.” Compared to real butter, whose great taste is primarily credited to cows. Maybe they should place a note on the few perfectly symmetrical organic pumpkins they sell, “I can’t believe it’s not plastic.”
Pumpkin Bread: “Baking at home can produce a superior product,” the Flyer says, “but time does not always allow for such domestic pleasantries.” I asked my wife Mary Ellen if she could think of any domestic pleasantries. I had never seen her stuck for an answer.
Joe’s Sandwich Pumpkin Cookies are “twistable, crunchable, crumbleable.” I’m guessing that they are also inedible, but remember, I’m not a pumpkin partaker.
Finally, Trader Joe’s Harvest Brunch Turkey, Apple, and Pumpkin Waffle Recipe Dog Treats, the lengthies-named product in America. They are gluten-free for the canine that prefers meat to Wheaties.

Finally, Harpoon Dunkin’ Pumpkin Box O’ Beer? Yes, a box of beer. Somehow, that doesn’t sit quite right with me. I never wanted box-beer abs.

If you are a pumpkin fan, please don’t be offended. I wanted to make you smile when you read my column.

And orange you glad you did?