The advantages of age


There are advantages to getting older, and I’m not just talking about reduced prices on fried chicken when you eat supper at 4:30 in the afternoon.

Chief among these advantages, in my view, is no longer having to worry because you don’t understand popular culture. This would have been the kiss of death, popularity-wise, when I was a young man:

MikeYou know, I just don’t get roller disco.

Mike’s Friends: Ha ha ha. Roller disco is the groovy expression of youthful exuberance combining the seductive beat of disco music and the sinewy turns of disco dancing with the athletic grace of roller skating. You are so out of touch, Mike Redmond. See you later, you jive turkey.

These days, I find myself puzzled by the popularity of zombies.

I’m an old-school monster kind of guy – love my Frankenstein, my Wolfman, my Dracula, my Mummy. And I’m not talking remakes. I mean the creaky old original films from Universal Studios. Those monsters scared me when I was watching them on Sammy Terry’s Nightmare Theater, and I still get a tiny thrill of terror seeing their hokey selves on DVDs.

But zombies? I just don’t understand the fascination. They shuffle around with deplorable skin conditions mumbling about eating brains and destroying anyone who gets in their way. So what? Take away the part about the brains and it’s just another clearance sale.

Whatever the reason, I think zombies are dumb and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest to be out of step on this one.

Another good thing about getting older is you can say things that might have occurred to others who were too afraid to voice them. For example, on this whole recent horsemeat-in-the-hamburger-scandal: How come it’s okay to eat Elsie the Cow and Arnold the Pig and Foghorn Leghorn, but nobody better lay a fork on Mister Ed?

Not that I’m advocating eating horsemeat. I wouldn’t touch the stuff if it were the last burger on earth. I just wonder why horses get a pass while the other animals get passed around the table.

Oh well, like I said, I’m just asking. Which I can do, being older. And frankly, I find it way more satisfying than a leg and a thigh (chicken, not horse) with mashed potatoes in the middle of the afternoon. Take that, you jive turkey zombies.