What makes great one-liners? They are often wonderful insights, plays on words, or mis-directions in thinking. Below are just a few of my favorites that I collected during the year 2014. Some are far older than that, but they were new to me and made me smile. I hope they do the same for you. Think of it as a belated Christmas gift. Next week you have to read my jokes
(Note: when I know whose line it is, I give proper credit. But using other people’s jokes is not unheard of. After all, that’s how I got this column written.)
I told people I wanted to be a comic when I grew up. They laughed at me. They’re not laughing now. (Bob Monkhouse)
Who invented that toilet next to the toilet? That thing really hurts.
My boyfriend and I are having a problem. He wants to get married. And I don’t want him to.
My parents were here for a long visit. I took them to the airport today. The plane leaves next Thursday. (Margaret Smith)
I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. Then I was born.
I really like my stepladder. But someday I’d like to meet my real ladder.
A Buddhist went up to hot dog vender and said: “Make me one with everything.”
At the hotel, I asked for a wake-up call at 6:30 a.m. The phone rang and the clerk said, “You’re a loser, quit wasting your life.” (Demetri Martin)
I was a ballerina but I quit when I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine. (Rita Rudner)
When people ask me how I am getting to the airport, I say, “Well, I’m flying to one of them. (Steven Wright)
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Two lions are walking through as supermarket. “Quiet in here today, isn’t it?”
I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, “Oh, I guess I’ll have champagne.” I said, Guess again.” (Slappy White)
I didn’t want to go to the 30th reunion of my pre-school. I’ve gained like a 100 pounds.
I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked him to forgive me. (Emo Philips)
I intend to live forever. So far so good. (Steven Wright)
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If I’m the best man at a wedding, why is she marrying him? (Seinfeld)
I make the beds, do the dishes and the laundry. Six months later, I have to start all over again. (Joan Rivers)
I finally met Mr. Right. I didn’t know is first name was Always. (Rita Rudner)
If it wasn’t for Venetian Blinds, it would be curtains for all of us. (Eric Morecambe)
A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street and asked if I I had a minute for cancer research. I said, “Sure, but we won’t get much done.”
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. And so do monkeys, if they have a gun. (Eddie Izzard)
I went to the dentist and he said, “Say aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog just died.”
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. (Ken Dodd)
I don’t care what the newspapers say about me, as long as they don’t tell the truth. (Katherine Hepburn)
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. (Mahatma Gandhi)