Opinion: Touring the van


Here’s a throwback column in celebration of my upcoming eighth anniversary at Current.

Hi, and welcome to Department of Kids and Recreation official Mini-Van Tour. My name is Danielle.

“Excuse me, Danielle what’s that odor . . . ?”

I tell you what, let’s hold all questions ‘til the end of the tour.

“But, it’s like the zoo . . . “

Thank you. Now this mini-van was established in the year 1998 under the direction of Chrysler- Motors. It can easily hold a double-wide stroller, four Size 3 soccer balls, and seven gallons of milk. Purchased in 2001, it had no dents or scratches, no stains or holes in the fabric, and gave off a fresh pine sent. All air vents were coin-free and the cassette player worked properly at that time.

Before we enter the van, I’d like to point out a few interesting spots on the exterior, beginning with this sine wave-like mark along the entire left-side. That’s no custom detailing! This unique decoration came about after a rather close encounter with a mailbox two months into ownership. Now on the right, you’ll notice a more subtle scratch, though no less handsome. This beauty was the result of poor navigation by a seemingly sober woman who was helping the actual sober driver back out of a bar parking lot at 2 a.m. after a bachelorette party. I call these “accoutrements.” Can y’all say that with me? “A-cu-tra-monts.”

“Danielle, what’s that white scratch that looks like you hit a house?”

For the last time, please hold all questions until the end. Thank you. As I manually slide open the two side-doors (you may want to put those gas masks on now) please note how this seat belt has become entangled with the locking mechanism. That’s a new feature, folks!

Under the back bench, take notice of the large pile of wrappers, discarded Kleenex, McDonald’s Happy Meal toys, and yes, it’s your lucky day, people, an honest-to-God sippy cup from 2006.  Probably a nice sharp cheddar in there by now. Do I hear someone’s stomach growling? Ha-HA!

In between the two front seats, you’ll see the typical collection of water bottles, pacifiers and reject Yu-Gi-Oh cards. But if you’ll peer just to the right, you’ll be in for a real treat. Anyone “hazard” a guess?

“A moldy waffle?”

“A mutilated Barbie?”

Both reasonable answers, but no. That, my friends, is an actual corn dog from the 2003 State Fair. Ah, the memories. They grow up so fast, don’t they? But I digress . . .

At this time, I’d like to conclude our tour. Y’all have been one of the greatest groups I’ve ever worked with, really. Peace out!