Opinion: Unmasking weighty issues


Thanksgiving will no doubt be different this year. I know there will be less weight gain at the Wolfsies’ because Mary Ellen is requiring that we put on our mask between every bite. That will slow down the time to consume the meal, which, according to my wife, results in less food intake. This is why I try to hide her holiday editions of Prevention magazine.

Here’s a look at some of the stupid advice that will be clogging your airways. By the way, avoid eating the candied yams too quickly. That also can clog your airways.

Don’t sit down on an empty stomach

No, use a chair. But seriously, if you’re afraid you’ll eat too much, experts say eat a little something before you sit down at the table. Like a drumstick and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Then, you’ll only eat half as much for dinner.

Eat smaller portions

Everyone I have ever known who did this on Thanksgiving or Christmas did it only so they had room for three more pieces of that lemon chiffon cream cheese pie (see above).

Take a walk after dinner

It takes the average American half an hour to walk off 50 calories. At that blinding rate, you could erase most of the calories from that holiday meal by simply strolling from Indiana to Puerto Rico. And if you do the swimming part, you will be 1,500 calories ahead.

Put your fork down between bites

My uncle Sidney managed to eat 50 percent less this way, but he also gulped down a six-pack of Bud Light in between all the bites. One Thanksgiving, he eliminated a fork completely. My wife’s mask technique is more effective.

 Tighten your belt a notch so you feel full

Hoosiers go the other way. Many wear dress sweatpants on Turkey Day to allow for maximum expansion. In Kentucky, some people at Thanksgiving don’t even wear pants.

Take what you want, then just eat half

This works — as long as you don’t start by putting twice as much on your plate to begin with.

Also, do not watch TV documentaries that destroy the folklore about Thanksgiving. You’ll be told the Pilgrims likely didn’t eat turkey, so the idea of stuffing would never have dawned on them. They had no cranberry relish and there wasn’t a single string bean casserole on the table, assuming they had tables. And the Indians weren’t invited (they crashed the party). The next day, no stores were open, so no Black Friday.

This is a very stressful time in the world but count the blessings you have. That’s why we call it Thanksgiving, which, by the way, the Pilgrims probably didn’t.