Returning from our vacation to the Virgin Islands last month, I sent my digital camera through the airport’s scanner. Then I forgot to retrieve it after it rolled out on the conveyor. When I came back minutes later, it was gone. I almost aways use my cellphone on trips to snap photos, but I took the old point-and-shoot as a backup.
It ended up being chock-full of pictures showing all the fun Mary Ellen and I had — you know, standing in front of an old church, standing in front of an old restaurant, standing in front of an old museum, and standing in front of people older than us, if we could find any.
I had hoped the thief would have a change of heart about taking my camera. I had my name and email address taped on the back. What value could my old camera have for anyone else? Crooks don’t have a conscience, and this guy took the cake, or in this case, the Kodak.
Yesterday, I opened my email to find this note:
Dear Mr. Wolfsie: (Is that really a name?)
Thanks for leaving your camera unattended at the Nassau Airport. When I started looking through your pictures, I was disappointed. There wasn’t a single racy shot out of the whole bunch. Oh, well, you and the redhead make a lovely couple, so I’m emailing you back all of your vacation photos. Sorry I stole your camera. It’s a little antiquated but still a keeper. I mean that literally.
I’d like to make a few suggestions from an objective observer. Your wife is very attractive, but I’m not a big fan of capri pants. I love her red hair, but I’m not crazy about the style. Otherwise, you are a lucky man. I wish I had a trophy wife.
Now, regarding you: Geez … no more selfies, I beg you. And when someone else takes a photo of you, never have your head bent forward, looking down. With those multiple chins, definitely avoid profile shots. You look pretty good for your age, assuming you’re 85 (you must be that old, since you still use AOL).
Here’s a thought: How about some more candid shots of you and your wife doing something more physical than just standing? Too scary? Maybe you can hire someone to pretend he’s you, parasailing or windsurfing.
Some final advice on your picture-taking: You apparently think half a head is better than none. That is true, except in photos.
Anyway, Dick, if I may call you that (after all, I feel like I know you), I am keeping the camera, even though I would have preferred a Nikon.
Author’s note: You guessed it. I made up this entire story. Just for the record, my wife’s hair looks fabulous.