Several years ago, some guy 85 years old was hawking a contraption on TV. He said that because he drinks fresh-squeezed juice every day, he fathered triplets — not a motivating factor for me to start juicing. In fact, I’m going to lay off the juice when I turn 78. My wife, Mary Ellen, will be 74 at that point, but I’m taking the V8 away from her.
My long association with juice has made me a keen observer of some fruit juice conundrums. Let me share a few:
- Why is there no raisin juice? There is prune juice, which is from dried-up plums. Why not raisin juice? Just dried up grapes. Sounds good.
- Why is there no plum juice? If you can get juice out of a prune, you sure can squeeze it out of a plum.
- How come apple juice has 100 percent vitamin C, but on the apple cider label, it says there is no Vitamin C? Where did the vitamin C go? Let’s get it back.
- If vegetables are fat free, why is vegetable oil 100 percent fat?
- How come there is no cantaloupe juice? Cantaloupes are just waiting to be squeezed. It’s cruel and inhumane, like not milking a cow.
- Does white grape juice stain like blue grape juice, but you just can’t see the stain? This will keep you up all night, so don’t think about it too much.
- There’s a lot of talk about acai juice, but I won’t order something I’m not sure how to pronounce. That’s why I’ve never had a gyro or aioli.
- Why can’t I get grape juice with pulp?
- Some orange juice has no pulp. What did they do with the pulp? I wouldn’t mind buying some extra pulp. I’d put it in my grape juice.
- How did lemonade become such a hit? Who handled the PR for limeade, anyway? By the way, why is a lemon shakeup at the Fair $9? If you filled up your car tank with that lemonade, it would cost about $500.
- If the orange juice I buy is 100 percent juice, then what is concentrate? Five hundred percent juice?
- You can buy fresh orange juice and fresh grapefruit juice, but not fresh grape juice. You can also buy grape juice in a frozen concentrate. So, why not wine from frozen concentrate? “Shark Tank,” here I come.
- There is no banana juice. You can’t squeeze juice out of a banana. But there’s almond milk. Go figure.
- Guava and mango, those fruits make two great juices. I’m told that one is a good remedy for constipation, the other for diarrhea. I forget which is which. I better figure that out before we go to Mexico this winter.