Heads up, people. Football season is finally here, and this ex-dance mom has high hopes for a dominating fantasy football performance. Do I know what I’m doing? Kinda. I don’t fully understand when to start a wide receiver over a running back in my flex position, nor what exactly a PPR league means, but I’m able to decipher ESPN’s projected point totals enough to get a respectable and competitive team set well before the Thursday deadline. And frankly, none of it matters. I’m really just trying to represent powerful women everywhere as the lone female among a league of beer-guzzling man-children. I recognize the incredible responsibility I hold, and I promise, I will not fail.
Well, I might. My record has been subpar, at best. Usually, I lose a quarterback in the first month or realize too late that all my good players have the same bye week. And I truly have minimal knowledge of the strength and weaknesses of the 30-odd teams in the NFL, nor the intricacies of the AFC and NFC. NHL? ACL? Whatever.
I do have an awesome name, though, A Girl Has No Name (“Game of Thrones” fans, you’re welcome!), which is half the battle, and the help of my stats-fanatic son, who dutifully scans my lineup to make sure I didn’t start a defense that’s pitted against my premier offensive minions. I also have two key advantages: I’ve never finished higher than fourth and the boys underestimate my commitment to victory. They’ll never see it coming when I crush their little souls.
So, here’s to a successful fantasy football season –for me, and women everywhere!
Peace out.
