Opinion: Cold truth about lost coat


Nippy temps will soon be over. This past cold season, I faced the winter chill without any substantial outerwear whenever possible. It’s not that I’m particularly hardy; I’m simply looking at things realistically. I’m tired of losing my coat. I lost three during the COVID-19 pandemic and we never left the house.

I’m going to explain my problem, but you must read this carefully, or you’ll be lost — like my coat usually is.

I never liked wearing winter coats, especially in the car. I don’t want to be all bundled up and feel like the Pillsbury Doughboy at the wheel. I get too warm when the car heats up, but I can’t undo my buttons or unzip because of the seat belts. Then when I exit the car, I’m soon in a warm place, like a movie theater or Lucas Oil Stadium, and have to immediately take off my heavy jacket and stuff it under my seat, which is a great way to add mustard stains and sticky pieces of popcorn to my apparel.

Since I seldom wear a coat, I am accustomed to leaving places without one. And so, when I occasionally do take along a jacket, I often leave it behind because I’m not used to wearing it in the first place. Are you following me? If you are following me, please tap me on the shoulder and remind me that I just left my coat at Beef & Boards.

It’s even crazier for my wife, Mary Ellen, to get bundled up in the winter because she asks me to warm up the car before we leave the house. Then she asks me to drop her off in front of the restaurant. Then she asks me to pick her up at the door when we leave. We drive home in a heated car and get out inside our heated garage. Why does she even need a coat?

For many years, this was a typical phone conversation on any given morning after Mary Ellen and I went out and I made the mistake of bringing a coat.

“Hello, this is Dick Wolfsie. I was at your movie theater last night and may have left my brown winter coat there. Could you please check your lost and found?”

“Let me see. We have a pair of glasses, an iPhone and a credit card.”

“Yes, all that is mine. Not only did I forget that stuff, I forgot that I forgot it. But about the coat?”

“Here’s a brown coat. How could you leave it, sir? Once you got outside, didn’t the bitter cold remind you of your coat?”

“I can’t explain this. Read my column. Look, I’ll get the coat tomorrow when it’s not raining.”

“Don’t you have an umbrella? “

“I left it at Starbucks.”