My wife Mary Ellen and I went to the Indiana State Fair recently and she spent a lot of time in the poultry barn looking at baby chicks saying, “How cute,” while I was out on the midway looking at you-know-what on a stick, saying, “How delicious.”
The next day while at Menards, I saw two magazines, one called Chickens and the other Poultry World, both dedicated to the proper care and breeding of our feathery friends. In the intro to one of the publications, the editor is seen holding a handsome springer spaniel. I guess this guy has learned that you attract more chicks holding a dog than a rooster.
One of the covers has the teaser “12 Tips to Successful Brooding,” which was once on the front page of my grandmother’s edition of Jewish Homemaker. Also on the cover is the question, “Too Old to Lay?” My wife told me not to make a joke about that.
Once inside the magazines, let the pun begin. There are only so many chicken plays-on-words you can come up with to headline your stories:
EGGCITING RECIPES
How eggsasperating. And during Easter we see this pun in every newspaper a hundred times. Enough, already. It’s eggscruciating.
ONLINE EGGSTRAS and EGGSCLUSIVES
This section directs you to websites with a dozen more dreadful puns. Want to save money? Try a half dozen.
A CHICKEN IN EVERY SHOT
Don’t have an adorable cat for Facebook? Here’s some advice on how to capture your capon on camera.
CHICKEN SCRATCH
An article featuring gifts and gadgets for chicken lovers with the subtitle, “Everything Our Readers Are Crowing About.” Here, you can buy an app that figures how many eggs you can expect from your flock annually. Yes, it’s called a cluck-u-lator.
GET THE SHELL OUT OF HERE
How to ensure a durable product from each breed. This pun is also used in Turtle Monthly … in every issue.
COOPED UP
Step-by-step instructions on how to build a chicken pen. You will see this pun again, every time a magazine does a story about chicken pens.
FOWL LANGUAGE
A glossary of important terminology for bird lovers. I wonder if they thought they were the first to come up with that title?
Both publications address readers’ questions in a feature called “Q and A” in one magazine and “Chicken Chat” in the other. A better title would be, “Can We Squawk?” Jeesh, now I’m making stupid puns
Q: I raise quail. Recently I found one with half of its head missing. What should I do?
A: It’s too late.
Q: I am considering hatching chickens myself. Any suggestions?
A: If you are successful, call this newspaper for an interview.
I know this was a dreadful column, but in the words of the great Steve Martin “Well, eggscuse me.”
